and ramblings on everything in between
I recently posted about my company’s acquisition and the uncertainty we faced as the new organization determined who they would keep and who they would let go.
I decided to ride it out instead of frantically applying for different positions, partly because God and I were at odds as to where I would look for a job. I definitely spent a lot of time thinking about what I would do next even though I didn’t apply for a new role. Prior to the buyout, I fell into the very small group of people who truly love what they do. I didn’t want to leave a job I was passionate about for a job I would merely show up at each day. Yes, I realize that bills need to be paid and food needs to be bought, but I didn’t want to run towards a different job unless I was forced to.
I often feel that I’m at a weird stage in my life. Part of me wants to stay here in St. Louis doing what I do. Another part of me wants to move to the coast and live in a place where I can bike to work. Another part of me wants to move back to the small town I grew up in. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any options – the problem is there are too many options. But I’m sure we all feel this way. I’m sure we all think we’re at a weird stage in our life at multiple stages in our life. Is it possible to feel grown and settled?
Over the past month as I’ve thought about what I would do if the new company cut me loose, I wavered between all three of these options. I tried to determine which one I wanted more, which one made more sense, and which one God wanted me to pursue. Deep down I knew what the answer would be.
We were given advanced notice on which day we would be notified of our fate. I left the office late the night before and during my drive home I kept thinking that no matter what happened the next day, my relationship with God would still be intact. Maybe I would no longer have a job or a way to afford my apartment, and maybe there would be multiple unforeseen difficulties just around the corner, but God would be there just the same. And when my alarm went off the next morning, I muttered to the dark morning sky, “Whatever is next, Life, bring it on.” I was ready to know. I was ready to move forward.
By 11:00 that day, everyone’s greatest fear was either confirmed or denied. I was blessed to receive good news, but it was impossible to celebrate. Too many friends were hurting to care. Too many things were changing too quickly to feel excitement.
It wasn’t until I left the office that it occurred to me that it was okay to be grateful for the job God provided. While many of my co-workers were facing uncertainty, a few of them remarked that there are instances in their past when they were forced to make a change even though they didn’t want to and life turned out for the better because of it. Even though I think I’m ready for a change, I know there’s always the chance my life will turn out for the better from staying the same.
A friend and I toasted life and all its complicatedness and beauty and surprises while the sun set that evening. While it’s hard to not be in control of what will happen next, I’m glad I’m not the one who’s calling the shots. If I were, my decisions would more than likely be made out of fear and selfishness, instead of love and wisdom. I’m glad we are promised that God will be with us always, to the very end of the age in Matthew 28. I’m thankful for this new journey at a new office and all that it will bring. And I’m happy to know that each weird stage in my life is getting me closer to my real home with Him.