and ramblings on everything in between
I tend to busy myself with trivial things when I don’t want to sit down and get at the heart of what’s bothering me. On Sunday, some things were bubbling up and instead of listening to the urge to sit down, I cleaned the floors and scoured the bathroom and change the sheets. You’re forcing yourself to be busy right now. What are you avoiding? I wondered as I bound from room to room. I felt the urge over and over again to make my way down to my car to retrieve my Bible and just sit with it. I resisted for another hour before finally giving in because my conscience wouldn’t give up.
“Fine,” I said and plopped down on the couch after running to my car. And there I sat, not sure what I should be thinking about or doing exactly. I sat and sat. And then I felt. I felt that through my resistance I was failing to be obedient. Just be obedient, I heard the still, small voice whisper. Don’t question, just sit when I say sit.
I know exactly why I resist when I should obey. I’m scared God will ask me to deal with something I don’t want to deal with or don’t feel capable of tackling. I’m sure you can apply this to any area of your life, not just your faith. Think of all the times we resist at work or in our relationships or at the gym. Sometimes I don’t want to be pushed into the unknown, I don’t want to have to put in more work, I don’t want to be forced to grow. Some days I just want to stay exactly the same.
But God is clever and loving and knows there’s a danger in staying exactly the same. So He nudges and guides and directs us, often to places we never thought of going. I spent all weekend fighting with my conscience when really all I needed to do was listen and give it over.
An older gentlemen in my Bible study group recently shared with us that there have been multiple times in his life when things didn’t go as he wanted – the loss of loved ones, being let go from jobs – and at the time the only thing he could ask was, “Why, God? Why are you letting this happen?” Now he wishes he could go back and replace that question with, “Where, God? Where do you need me to go next?”
I keep thinking about that, particularly when I feel this resistance inside of me. Sometimes it’s not necessary for me to know why. Sometimes I just need to sit and listen.