and ramblings on everything in between
Funny how ridiculous I can be.
I’ve been ready for a big change for a long time. My heart is convinced that something about this life just isn’t quite it for some reason. Call it unrest, call it longing. I’ve tried for months to put a reason to it – a destination, a vision, a lifestyle. Accepting that this restlessness is for a reason I cannot yet know is problematic for me. You see, I’m a control-all-the-details planner. I want answers. Lots of them.
And when I lift up these frustrations and ideas and plans to God, He has been steady and unchanging in his response. “Be still,” is the answer I hear.
His response is undeniable, yet it’s not the response I want right now. I don’t struggle with hearing God speak in my life – I struggle with obeying with a happy heart. How sad it must be for Him to watch me surrender out of defeat instead of joy.
This brings me back to the blessing I didn’t think I was ready for. I knew as soon as I found out about it what He wanted me to do. “Stay put, hold onto it, and trust Me with this,” I felt Him say deep inside of me. For what reason, I’m not sure, but that wasn’t my hiccup – the first two parts were driving my unhappy heart.
For the few weeks I selfishly sulked, I am positive I was not God’s favorite person to be around. I struggled to let the Ashlee-size dream I was dreaming go when I felt those words. To obey His direction means I need to forgo the things I want right now so I can have what I really, really want down the road. You know as well as I do how hard it is to hold tight and wait. It takes diligence and sacrifice. And sometimes I don’t wake up feeling diligent or sacrificial.
Yet, when I said ‘I do’ to Jesus those years ago, I meant it. I meant it when I said I wanted His will above my own. I meant it when I committed to living this life for Him.
As I slowly released my grip on the things I was working to change in my life, these words popped off a page and revealed truth to my unhappy heart:
“We dream these little dreams that we clutch so tightly with both hands, and He says, ‘Nope. That dream is too small. Think bigger.’ He dreams bigger. He dreams better. He dreams the dreams for us that we can’t dream for ourselves.”
Despite my resistance, I want that bigger dream He has for me. I really, really do. And I want to want it out of joy instead of defeat.
I’ve been sending up a lot of prayers to soften my unhappy heart, to accept the unexpected blessing He laid at my feet, and to mean it when I look Him in the face and whisper, “Let’s do this.” It might be a long time before I understand what the ‘this’ is, but that’s the journey, isn’t it? Terrifying and exciting and unexpected. I’ve grown to know the Lord pretty well over the years, and I know for certain that He doesn’t disappoint.
Thank you for dreaming bigger dreams for me.